Blog

My heart is racing as I sit here and type out each word. How does He know? How is His timing always perfect even when, in the middle of “it”, it doesn’t feel that way? How does He take what’s in my heart and in my journal and pour it into the songwriter so that they will pen the song that He will sing over me when I need it most. Oh how thankful I am that our Savior is sovereign. How thankful I am that He sees me. HE SEES ME!!! He see us and still loves us in spite of all that we’ve done and will do! I Stand in awe of Him today!

My journal entry from November 2016…

When I truly came to the place where I believed, deep within my soul, that this life has never been about me & it never will be, it took me to this level of unwavering belief in WHO my God is & that I can trust Him fully. I can step out in faith fearless because it doesn’t matter what circumstances I may face because He will use what I give Him & use it to reveal His glory. It’s about Him. It always has been and it always will be! I’m sealed safely and securely in Him. He will always be there to pick me up, clean me up, heal my brokenness, fill my mourning heart with joy because He is enough no matter what tomorrow holds! He is enough even if…

“Truly He is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 62:6

I have come to realize that I don’t want to just live, I want to have a “more kind of life”. I want to not just be used by God but I want to be used up. Every thing He created me to be. Everything He created me to do. Everything He called me to for His glory, until I take my last breath here on this earth. Ephesians 4:1  “Therefore, I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.” I feel an urgency to share with anyone God places in my path that life can be different than they’ve ever known. That it truly can be a “more kind of life”. In these scriptures in Ephesians, Paul was urging his brothers and sisters in Christ at the church of Ephesus to live differently. To live the life they had been called to by God Himself. As believers, salvation is ours by faith through grace in Christ alone but what if we lived out our lives worthy of our calling and saw it as a privilege to be called Christ’s very own?!

When you see a verse that starts with therefore  it is tying it together with the context from the scriptures that came before it. Ephesians 3:20-21 are the verses Paul was referring to which state, “Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to Him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.”

God will give us a more kind of life! We are the church. We are filled with His power from the moment of salvation. The same power that rolled away the stone. The same power that conquered death!!! He placed us in this life exactly when and where He designed us to be, to fulfill a divine purpose He has for each of us. He placed us in the very generation He knew we could be used in. He knew every mistake, hurt, success, joy, trial or loss that would bring us to this very place in this very moment. He even knows the faith that we will require to fully trust Him to reveal the plan He has for our lives. I have come to know that until we do, we will never find the peace, joy or hope that we all so desire.  We must come to that place where we realize that faith is only born in His presence. Being in His presence will transform your chaos into a calm that will reach to the very depths of your soul-even if your circumstances haven’t changed. Because when we come into His presence…when He is in the room, it changes us! IT CHANGES EVERYTHING! It ignites a spark deep within your soul.

If you’ve been in church for very long you’ve seen people that have had a “mountain top” experience with God and He ignites something in them that is just simply beautiful. But how many people have you known that started so “on fire” for Christ, that serve faithfully, have experienced life change and are truly different but then they seem as though they just walk away. That they burn out. They don’t finish what He started. How tragic, that even after we have experienced the very hand of God on us and even feeling the very presence of our Savior, we could just stop there?  That somewhere along the way we get battle weary and just don’t press on. Oh how I pray that will not be the path I take. I pray that I never get over what He did for me on that cross! I pray I will never be satisfied with what has already been accomplished knowing there is more He has for me to do- that He allows me to do.  That He will empower me to do!  I pray I live a life worthy of my calling! I pray that I will do as my amazing husband did and live out every breath God gives me NO MATTER WHAT and finish in a way that will shine the light of Christ from beyond the grave!

“You are the light of the world–like a city on a hill that cannot be hidden.” Matthew 5:14

Let your light shine, even if…

After a few of you have reached out to me after reading my blog, I realized not everyone knows my (our) story. So today I am going to share a part of our story that I wrote for a video interview in 2015 for a marriage conference that my church holds called Recreate. I thought this would be a simple way to at least fill in some gaps for those that haven’t been with me from the beginning. My prayer is that by choosing to share our story, you will see our God. Anything good in me (in all of us) is Him. But most of all, I pray our story reflects and reveals what I believe to the very depths of my soul…He is enough, Even if…

It’s hard to believe that December 21st marked the 19th anniversary of my marriage to the love of my life, Arvid Wakefield.

I was a divorced mom with two small children that were my world! The three of us had gone to watch our church softball team play that night at Wilson Morgan. I was sitting in the bleachers while the kids were playing with friends and I leaned over to the girl friend of mine that was sitting by me and said “who is that guy on the mound? He has got a cute butt.” Ha! Little did I know that guy on the mound was someone I had known in high school. Long story short….Before I left the ball field that night, Arvid Wakefield, the guy with the cute butt, asked me out on a date and I said yes! A few days later, we are pulling out of my driveway with his Jock Jams cassette thumping through the speakers of his truck… And as they say, the rest is history. Six months later we were standing before God and our family repeating our vows and saying I DO! Me this woman with a past filled with so much shame and regret and two small children, marrying this 28 year old man that had never married. This good man. This man that had never been with another woman in his life. I always felt that Arvid coming into my life was just a small reflection of how my God loves me. Arvid saw past my full figure, two children and never once asked details of my past. And somehow he fell in love with ME. He saw ME. Not the Me with all the baggage, extra pounds and imperfections the world may see. But ME, the one I didn’t even know yet. The Me God created me to be. The Me that deep in my soul I had always wanted to be but feared I could never become.

Life was absolutely wonderful! I was married to a man that adored me, my children and God. He was a great daddy. He jumped right in with both feet and before I knew it we had become this amazing family that I had always hoped for. We had not planned to have more kids but several years later, God interrupted our plans and reminded us His is always better. When Hunter and Jordan were 9 and 7 yrs old, Grayson Wakefield made his appearance into this world and into our hearts! We kept ourselves busy with sports, dance, church and keeping up with a little one. It’s crazy to think how fast the days and months went by. It seems as though I just turned around one day and I had two teenagers and my baby was now a little boy that loved to play ball as much as his daddy. I don’t know when it happened but somewhere along the way we stopped making time for just each other the way we had done in the past. The little things we didn’t see eye to eye on became much bigger and the things we once loved most about each other were not what we thought about when we looked into each other’s eyes. Somewhere, in the midst of our struggles raising teenagers, compromised choices in our own lives and instead of a God focused marriage, I at least, found myself in a very selfish place. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t satisfied. He didn’t show me the passion I felt I deserved. I was miserable so believe me when I say, I made him miserable. So there I was one night standing in front of Arvid, while he was sitting on the edge of our bed after a very heated conversation, of what I am sure was filled with how he fell short of everything I needed, I looked him in the eye and told him, “I love you but I am just not in love with you any more”. That day, as I stood there speaking words that had to have ripped away pieces of his heart, I was actually considering breaking the promise that we had made to each other when we stood before God and took our vows. Words that I swore I would never speak. I don’t have some magical formula…or a spiritual check list to give you on how or why I didn’t walk away. It was not an overnight miracle that transpired to heal our marriage. It was this deep “knowing” in my soul that wasn’t who I was. I knew what that felt like. I had watched my dad walk away. I watched my first husband walk away. And that was not who I wanted to be!

I had no idea that day, what battle lied ahead of us. I didn’t know that in the midst of us choosing to fight for our marriage and make God first in every area of our life that He was preparing us for the fight of our lives. I shutter when I think about what might have happened if I had walked away from our marriage? God has shown me that the decisions we make today, especially in our marriage, will impact the future of generations to come. I have no doubt that would have been the case if I had walked away.

That summer Arvid started having problems like not being able to pull himself up on the knee board or skis, he fell at work and then down our stairs. He went to our family doctor and all the test looked good. Nothing. I started noticing that Arvid was reacting a little slow in conversation. He was easily fatigued. Had a few more falls. Few more doctor’s appointments and still nothing. We left a neurologist office in Birmingham, December 2009, and as we were getting on the elevator, leaving once again with no answers, Arvid asked me “Do you know what my worst fear is?” And I couldn’t imagine what disease or diagnosis he might be thinking of, but I asked him “what?” and he looked at me and said, that they will find nothing wrong with me and everybody will just think I am crazy”. That day I knew in my heart, that I was going to stand alongside my husband and fight for him until we found an answer. After much prayer and research I picked the phone up in March 2010 and called Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Fl. No referral. Just me calling trying to see what it would take to go and see if God had answers for us there. I spoke with a lady on the phone that asked a series of questions. I answered them. She said that someone would now screen his information and determine if they felt a visit was indicated. A few weeks later they called with a list of specialist that would see him. And then in May 2010, a few days after Arvid’s 43 birthday, we were in the car on our way to Jacksonville. On that drive we talked about many things but the one thing I will never forget was the prayer that we prayed…”God, we know that you are already in our tomorrow and that You will be with us no matter what but God we ask that you reveal to us what you already know. No matter what the doctors say, Lord we will give You all the praise, honor and glory and surrender our lives to Your will. God we trust in You ”. And within 24 hours, after just a short exam with the neurologist, we learned more than we had in the past year and a half. Dr. Dimberg was very kind. He was careful with his words. He used initials and words that we had not heard before but it was the craziest thing I had ever experienced…As we sat there listening to God revealing to us what He ready knew, “Our Goliath” walked into the room that day, but it was in that moment, when I had to face that giant, that I realized my faith in God was bigger than any enemy we would battle! After a battery of test and seeing several specialist over the course of several days, we were on our way home knowing God had answered our prayer but facing the reality that we now must decide if we will honor our promise to Him.

It would be October 2010 that Arvid received a confirmed diagnosis of ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. I learned a lot about this disease that I had known very little about until the day it came knocking at our door. A disease that would eventually rob Arvid of the ability to throw a ball, run, walk, swallow, speak and even breathe…on April 11, 2014 Arvid lost his battle with ALS. On April 11th, what was my loss was Arvid’s gain. In that moment with our children and his parents…and my hand in his, as he took his last breath, he entered into the very presence of God and was made whole!

There are so many things I wish I could share about our journey but I feel compelled to speak some very specific revelations that God has given me that I think might speak to someone here tonight…

 *I wish I had realized sooner that Love is a choice. It is not a feeling or a destination that you will arrive at once someone has met a list of certain requirements. God, who is Love, is the only source in which we can truly love. When we choose authentic love-we can hold onto God’s truth that Love Never Fails!

*I would let God be the one that shaped and molded Arvid into who He designed him to be instead of me criticizing or nagging at him wishing he would change. I wish I could go back and take back every unkind and harmful word I spoke and trade them for words of affirmation, words that would build up and encourage him instead of tear down and destroy.

*I wish I had allowed him to be the leader of our home the way God had created him to be much earlier in our marriage. We cannot turn God’s creative order upside down and then expect that it will become something beautiful. It was when we followed God’s plan for our marriage that God did supernatural things in our lives…restoration, hope, passion, respect and a love that was unshakeable!

*I wish we had danced more. Oh how I love to close my eyes and remember the times that we did…I can still smell him, feel his touch and his breath on my neck.

*I wished that I had reached over and held his hand more just because I could.

*I wish I had taken more pictures…mentally and physically. Today those memories I have and the pictures I can hold are more valuable to me than gold.

The things I DO NOT regret…

*I don’t regret that I didn’t walk away from our marriage!

*I don’t regret taking care of Arvid’s every need… I dressed him, fed him through a feeding tube, brushed his teeth, bathed him, combed his hair, helped him with all bathroom needs, put him in bed each night, suctioned him during the night & then in the morning I would lift him out of bed & place him in his chair & do our daily routine again. Covenants aren’t always convenient but if given the chance to do it again  I wouldn’t hesitate. I count it is one of the greatest honors of my life!

*I don’t regret ALS…as crazy as it may sound, but it was in that battle that we chose to step out on a level of faith we had never known and face our “Goliath” head on and when we did, God’s words transformed from just being words on a page to reality that we were experiencing every day! I wouldn’t trade that for anything! I have always believed that God can make something beautiful out of our trials but now I believe that sometimes it is only when we walk onto the frontlines of the battlefield and face that giant, clothed only in the armor of God, that He will transform lives in the most miraculous way and when He does they will shine His light for generations to come! Oh how I pray that will be our story!

I know many of you never had the honor of meeting my amazing husband so I wanted to share some entries from his journal in hopes that you may get a glimpse of the man I am honored to say was MY husband and the love of my life…

Entries from his journal…

5/10/12

I went to the corporate campaign for ALS with my dear brother in law, Brian Hinson. He was one of the speakers at the campaign. He wore a suit with tennis shoes. I told him I liked his shoes and he told me they had a purpose in his speech and they did. I now have my very own pair like his. They say JOURNEY ON on the tongue. They are very special to me because that is the name of a song that I had shared with him that talks about no matter what life throws at you, Journey On.

5/13/12

Spent the day with the best mom in the world…Dawn

5/14/12

This disease may take my life but it will not take my love for God

5/22/12

God showed me in a dream I had last night. I saw myself walking normal. Thank you God for healing me. Went to JW Steakhouse with Jim Turner, Daniel Speakman, Steve Harris, Richard Jones and Joey Tucker. Had a blast. Thank you Lord for Godly men I call friends.

5/23/12

Went to Chet’s funeral today had to leave. I just don’t want to leave my precious family. I want to grow old with them. Jesus bring the rain. I want my family to know how much I love them. Dawn, Hunter, Anna, Jordan & Grayson. Mom & Dad and the whole gang. Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done.

5/24/12 Had another dream about healing my body. I thank God for healing me of ALS.

5/28/12

God is a God of unfathomable love. Acts 3:16

6/17/12

Had the Best Father’s Day ever. I love my gifts. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a dad. I am blessed beyond measure. Happy Father’s Day God.

7/4/12

I AM REDEEMED!!! The cross is my statue of liberty. It has made me glad to be a Christ follower. I pray that my joy & excitement for Christ will spill over onto everyone around me. I pray that I will be contagious.

7/17/12

Jesus wants us to be real & a true believer. Even in the hard times. It’s easy when it is going good. He want us to be real & true even when you get bad news or if things are not going the way you want them too. I’m getting worse. It takes all I have to get around but Praise God I can still get around & talk. I’m His. He can do with me what He wishes.

9/19/12

Taste and see that the Lord is good. He has blessed me with a wonderful wife and great children. My God is an awesome God.

9/20/12

My God is so good. He has allowed me to vacuum & do laundry. I couldn’t do it without God. I love the Lord with all my heart. I am very grateful the Lord has given me strength to walk & talk

11/19/12

Thank you Lord for another day to live, walk & talk. God is always faithful. I got another day to be with my family.

11/22/12

I am thankful for God & my family. God paid it all. Conquered death, hell & the grave. And thank God for this disease.

12/15/12

I thank God for my wife and all she does. She is a wonderful wife. She is the glue that holds us together…she is the love of my life & I think she knows I don’t tell her enough. I am trying. I just need her to know this…That she is a godly woman and a righteous fox!!!

2/25/13

Thank God I can still bathe & dress myself. The joy of the Lord is my strength & my song. Thank God for my health.

4/24/13

Got my feeding tube today. Was very sore. Praise God he’s going to take care of me.

7/11/13

Lord I put my trust in you & only you for you Oh Lord I trust & put my life in your hands. You have placed me here for a purpose & that is to make disciples.

For those that really know me can testify that my love language is music!  I know, I know it’s  not a chapter in “The 5 Love Languages” but I believe Mr.Chapman must have accidently left this one off the list because I KNOW it is mine! One of my favorite memories is the night Arvid drove into my driveway on Woodmeade to pick me up for our first date. I should have known from the moment I slid into the passenger seat of that little green S-10 that it was destined for us to marry and live happily ever after when I heard what he was playing in his cassette player. So with “Jock Jams” blaring from the truck speakers, we pulled out of that driveway not realizing that God had already written the next chapters of our lives filled with music, dancing, mountain tops, valleys, laughter, tears, and so much more but the best part of those upcoming chapters was that they would be filled up with us…until death do us part.

In the most difficult and painful seasons of my life, God has used music to speak to my soul. Those deep, deep crevices of my soul that long to be whole again. Music seems to wraps itself around my heart and into those empty places in a way like nothing else can. I am beyond thankful that our God loves us so very intimately and personally. It blew me away when I finally grasped that The Creator of the universe knows and loves every single detail about us so much that He even speaks to us in our own love language. Have you ever stopped and thought about what stirs your soul or calms you like nothing else can?  What does that for you? Soaking in His vast creation or maybe it’s the words in a book that reach those deep unreached places. Maybe it’s curling up on the couch wiith a cup of coffee…no children or the world needing you…just you and the stillness that doesn’t come often but you can feel the presence of God wrapped around you like a warm blanket. Maybe it is in the music and lyrics of a song like He so beautifully sings over me. If you are thinking I have no idea what this crazy lady is talking about, I challenge you to pay close attention to those moments when you are feeling overwhelmed, broken or even dead on the inside and then in a moment something changes…you feel a breeze of peace against your soul, your hopelessness starts to fade and you feel a strength stirring within you when you thought you may never feel anything again. Those, my friend, are the moments when The Lover of your soul sweeps in and breathes His love in you like nothing or no one else can! I pray you don’t miss Him. That you don’t miss out on those intimate moments…those miracle moments that only His presence can usher in. Just look and you will find Him there. He never leaves us and He will never forsake us, we only need to call out His name and He will come running! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…What a Beautiful Name!

I will leave you tonight with this little taste of God’s sweet love He poured out on me this week. I have soaked in every word over and over and over again like a drought stricken ground does when rain finally falls. I pray you not only find the love language He uses to speak to you but that you will let it break down every wall so He can enter into every broken place within you and do what only he can do! Because He is enough, Even If…

Zephaniah 3:17 “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

What a Beautiful Name

You were the Word at the beginning
One with God the Lord Most High
Your hidden glory in creation
Now revealed in You our Christ

What a beautiful Name it is
What a beautiful Name it is
The Name of Jesus Christ my King
What a beautiful Name it is
Nothing compares to this
What a beautiful Name it is
The Name of Jesus

What better place to start for my first blog than the very reason I have decided (or surrendered) to doing one…. It has been 1,000 days today since Arvid took his last breath on this earth. ONE THOUSAND. I can’t really wrap my mind around it to be honest. That is 32 months. 143 weeks. 240,000 hours. 1,440,000 minutes that I have not held his hand or kissed his lips. Time that has been filled with so many BEAUTIFUL moments…our oldest and his wife becoming home owners. The homecoming of our daughter who we had prayed for God to restore back to Him for over 7 years. Our family’s first mission trip (Swaziland) to fulfill our promise to Arvid to carry the gospel to the ends of the earth. The births of our grand daughters…no words! Our youngest, Grayson, living one of his and his daddy’s dreams of winning the State Championship in baseball and coming so close two years in a row in football. So many more moments that he wouldn’t be in the pictures taken or the memories created…not physically any way but trust me he was there in our thoughts and in our hearts and always will be.

I think I have experienced as many emotions as the minutes that have ticked off the clock…some all at the same time. The first year was filled with many tears but also a supernatural strength and anointing that led to many opportunities to share our story and witness what only God could have done. I was in awe that God would use us to reveal to others that He is The Hope and be witness to the life change He miraculously did in many lives. Maybe it was because I knew the “first” would be so difficult or maybe it was because God had picked me up and carried me all along, but somewhere into the “seconds” I began to feel lost. And so very tired. Confused. Disconnected. Forgotten. Lonely. Unimportant. It was like I had lost my voice.  I had lost my confidence and courage. It was as if I had lost my “super powers” (that super that God adds to our natural).

Now let me say this..I NEVER lost my hope. I NEVER doubted my faith or my God. Some where along the way it began to feel that our story no longer mattered and that I was supposed to “move on” and let the past be in the past. I stopped sharing out of fear I no longer could make a difference or that my story could help someone else as it had before. I shifted from living this bold, courageous life that God had so beautifully empowered me to live out after Arvid and I surrendered our will and trusted His, and began to start listening to the whispers of this world and slowly allowed that self doubt to be like Kryptonite in this chapter of my story. How many times have we heard it said that, “In time, someone else’s tragedy will be the headline and they will forget about yours”? The sad thing is that social media, the press, news broadcast, gossip magazines and well, let’s be honest, humans have made that statement true in many ways in the world we live in today. People thrive off of other’s tragedy. They won’t miss one single post about each and every detail of what someone is facing as they battle cancer, battle ALS,  or the sudden or not so sudden loss of a child…tears shed, prayers lifted, money donated, events attended, text sent, food cooked, funerals attended. So many wonderful, much-needed and appreciated acts of kindness and love. But what do we do when we’re in the “seconds” or now in the “thirds” after we were the ones in the midst of that tragedy and your army is now few and many have moved on?

PLEASE HEAR ME…I am not writing one single word to gain sympathy. I cross my heart. I am writing this because God has been whispering something so, so sweet into the crevices of my soul these past few months, weeks and days as I have cried out to Him to know what am I supposed to do now…He reminded me of what I already knew. Truth that was deep inside of me that had been buried under layers of grief, doubt and lies from the enemy. Truth that He is good when I am not. He is faithful when I am not. HE IS ALL I NEED. As I read a blog yesterday from one of the key women who had given me so much hope and strength during my most difficult days during Arvid’s battle with ALS, it was like God flipped the light on! Like a really bright light that would light up a city! See, Bo Stern is a woman who God so intricately placed in my life at a time I needed her most. I have never met her but let me tell you, if I ever have the honor, I know we would become instant friends. I am sure we would sit and talk for hours on end because our lives have so many things in common that at times, was hard to believe. See God used her story to help me continue living out our story. There were times when I would read her blog that I would have sworn she had some how read my mind…or at least my journal. God used her story to help teach me that He sees me. Her story helped place concrete around the foundation God had been laying in my soul that HE is enough even if…Her husband was a pastor in Bend, Oregon that had been diagnosed with ALS around the same time Arvid was. They had chosen to allow God to use their battle to reveal God’s glory. She was and is a woman after God’s own heart even after Steve lost his battle. She has and still is sharing her story, even as she walks through the “seconds”. Because she knows that her story matters and that HE IS ENOUGH EVEN IF! Her story matters to this widow who needed to read words from another widow who gets “it”. Who is living “it”.  That knows grief and joy can actually consume you all at the same time. That struggles with some of the same things that I do. Even after the “tragedy” her story matters. And you know what God whispered in those deep crevices of my soul? “Your story STILL matters too and I am still enough, even though Arvid was not healed this side of heaven”. See it’s when we walk out our lives in faith knowing God is enough, even if our worst nightmare weaves its way into the pages of our story, that He will use that very thing the enemy meant for harm and use it for the saving of many lives. It’s when we share our story that He will reach all the way from Bend, Oregon to Decatur, Alabama to give a woman, that wasn’t sure she had the strength to care for her husband in midst of his battle with ALS, and fill her with hope and courage that burst up out of the ground and poured out in a supernatural way. In ways that allowed her to, not only take care of him until he took his last breath, but also pour out onto others what had been so beautifully given to her. So here I am…once again. With a renewed spirit anchored in His truth. Sharing my story in hopes that God will use it to breathe hope and courage into someone like He did me, show you that your story matters and to anchor you in the truth that He is enough, EVEN IF!

“As for you, you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20