I would be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little when I see the post of couples celebrating their anniversary, out on a date night or even simply walking out of church together. It reminds me I’m the antonym of what season they’re in. Married vs Widow. Intimacy vs Lonely. Partner vs Missing “my person” (okay, so I made that one up)…but you get the idea. But God, in His relentless pursuit, has been reminding me of a season that I never want to forget and one that can happen again. Well actually it’s HAPPENING again!!! He’s been reminding me of an affair that I had. Yes, you read that right. Now don’t go blowing up social media until I give you all the details. I guess it all began years ago when he would do little things to get my attention or create moments that gave me butterflies. There was always this empty hole in me when I wasn’t with him. I would try to just live my life and do my own thing but something never felt right when we weren’t together. And then in the midst of my brokenness a little over 10 years ago, I finally gave in. I couldn’t resist him any longer. I was falling apart. I had a marriage that was failing. I felt like a failure as a mother. I felt like there was absolutley nothing loveable about me and that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t do enough to fix my broken life. And then He reached down and scooped me off my knees that day that I finally cried out to Him! Crying out to my Savior in complete surrender. He wrapped His arms around me and whispered in my soul, “There’s nothing you could ever do to make me love you less and there’s nothing you could ever do to make me love you any more than I do”. Oh my soul! Words I didn’t understand until then. Love I never knew possible until that moment! He loves me wholly. Completely. Filled up and spilling over!! HE LOVES ME!!!! Falling in love with my Savior wrecked me in the most beautiful way! It was an affair of the heart like I had never known.
I’m so thankful that, even though, I let my grief and brokenness wrap its arms around me more than I have The Lover of my Soul these past several months, He has pursued me once again with His unfailing love. Oh how I love Him! He trades my loneliness for his fellowship. He takes my mourning and turns it into joy. He takes my brokenness and allows those fragile, gaping holes to reveal His glory in a way that reminds me that HE IS ENOUGH, even if!!!! It was and is an affair to remember.
Here is the song He sang over me recently that he used to just reach over and “hold my hand”. He still gives me butterflies!